By Gabrielle Anindito and Lisa Kayastha
Pride month is an entire month dedicated to celebrating the voices of LGBTQIA individuals, and the remainder of the long history of the 1969 Stonewall, a series of riots in the LGBTQIA+ community that ignited the gay liberation movement. Flash forward to 2021, pride flags are being hung up, and there are parades being held all over the world with members of the community and allies to partake in to celebrate the culture. This is to show what the community has achieved over the years, and to spread awareness towards the numerous sexualities, gender identities, and expressions.
In this article, we have talked to three different APU students who belong to different parts of the LGBTQIA+ community. Alongside different gender identities, and their experiences of what it is like growing up in a heteronormative society, we’ve also asked them about how moving to Japan has changed the way they express themselves.
The students prefer to remain anonymous, therefore this article will be using fake names they have chosen for themselves.
A journey of questioning
Mei (He/Him)
Yinyang: exclusively Chinese, non-binary identity
Malaysia
Born and raised in an East Asian Buddhism background in Malaysia, Mei has been on an ongoing journey filled with questioning, labels, and exploring a part of himself that is of the essence ― his identity.
Mei’s upbringing has always normalized the idea of homosexuality. Being from a primarily East Asian Buddhism background, he grew up with folklore stories featuring homosexuality.
“My family practices Taoism and Shendaoism, which has a gay God that guards homosexual love” Mei explains.
Although his family has never discussed homosexuality in his household, he was never raised with the belief that homosexuality is a sin.
“The idea of girls kissing girls has never been a weird thing to me”, says Mei.
The introduction of homophobia
It was not until he started going to school that the idea of homosexuality was introduced as weird. The idea of two girls being in love was painted as bizarre, and incorrect assumptions were made about the way you look and your sexuality.
This has left a lingering feeling of hesitation for Mei to express his gender identity, and constantly questioning “what does being feminine mean?”, and “what is feminine body language?”.
Felt the need to conform
From the age of 6, Mei never thought of himself as female. He didn’t feel like any gender at all. In Malaysia, there was a need to conform to gender roles that left him puzzled, with comments about not being “lady-like enough”, and thoughts from his parents on his body language being more “masculine”. Conforming to a female body language has never made sense to Mei.
“Is there a certain way I should be sitting then?”, Mei asks,
It was not until he discovered different gender identity labels in online spaces like Tumblr, (such as genderfluid, agender, bigender) that Mei began trying out labels he felt comfortable with.
It was a journey; identifying first as genderfluid and agender, but Mei still wasn’t sure how he perceived his own identity.
Different perceptions of gender identity
In college, he learned that different cultures have different perceptions of gender identity. He realized the reason why he never identified with the genderfluid and agender labels, is because the labels were western gender identities, and were invented in the west with consideration of their own perception of gender.
“My culture has had their own concept of gender identities for over a 1000 years, and I was evaluating my gender from my own cultural perspective”
After a long while of being in college, Mei has now proudly found comfort in his identity as yin-yang, which is an exclusively Chinese nonbinary identity.
With his newfound comfort in his sexuality, Mei explains that though there is a want to be acknowledged by others, it doesn’t mean he feels there is a necessity to come out to everyone in his life. He has found that he actively avoids coming out to people because he feels as though he knows the kind of reactions they would have, such as having homophobic thoughts and questioning the validity of his identity.
Only an outward appearance of acceptance
In celebration of pride month, one will often find universities and companies hang flags in accordance with different sexualities to show their support for the LGBTQ community. However, Mei feels it may be performative at times.
“I don’t feel particularly safe coming out”, Says Mei.
“The university is a very diverse place, and it is great, but when you preach about accepting anyone’s opinions or views, it can become really problematic. It opens a gateway for homophobia and the acceptance of such.” Mei explains.
“Opinions are opinions, however, when it comes to non-acceptance towards a community, there is no being on a neutral side. It becomes harmful.”
He would often experience comments invalidating the trans community, such as “there are only two genders, what proof do you have?” A stereotype Mei explains is harmful, as it suggests that their existence is invalid and does not exist.
“Hundreds of cultures have had their own unique gender identity and the idea of gender binary for thousands of years. The idea of there just being men and women is exclusively a western construct, and that idea was brought to the world when people colonized the whole world with imperialism”, says Mei. “I wish people would deconstruct that idea and look further into their own cultures, and they would find that there is a long history of gender fluidity and gender identities''.
With stereotypical comments and misinformative opinions such as what Mei has experienced, he feels it may be difficult for members of the LGTBQIA+ community at APU to feel safe enough to come out.
“No matter how many pride flags you hang up, it matters greatly how many people actually accept the meaning of those flags”, Mei says.
Fighting internalized homophobia
Ren
She/her
Indonesia
Growing up in a religious Muslim family, everything Ren knew was based on the Quran. Struggling with mental health and internalized homophobia, she shares with us her experience of learning about LGBTQ+ for the first time, to how she sees pride month today.
The first time Ren was exposed to LGBTQ+ was when she was in middle school. Due to the internal homophobia caused by the society she grew up in, she never told anyone she was having thoughts about her sexual preference. Growing up in a society that is generally very homophobic, she developed a good sense of knowing if people are going to be accepting or not.
“As sad as it is to say, I have been friends with someone for years, but I have not come out to that person yet and I do not think I am comfortable doing that.”
Hiding her identity
Ren says she comes out to people when she is comfortable enough to let her guard down, and when she’s sure that they will not discriminate against her if she eventually did come out.
“I am still struggling to say that I am proud of being lesbian, but I am comfortable being who I am.”
Before coming to Japan she knew that people from the LGBTQ+ community are more accepted in Japan than in her home country, but she did not know to what extent. A lot of her close families are homophobic, which is one of the reasons why she wanted to leave her home environment. She doesn't mind staying in Indonesia as long as she lives away from her family.
"We are just human"
Ren talks about the stereotypes she has heard that exist in society like if you go to a changing room with a lesbian, she will attack you, or if a person is gay, he likes you. When asked about what her view is about the people who still hold these kinds of stereotypes about the LGBTQ+ community, she expresses her point of view by saying;
“It does not relate to the person's sexuality at all. A straight person can also do the same thing. We are just human, there is nothing special or any different about us.”
“If a girl wants to marry a girl or a boy wants to marry a boy, it's ok. I just want it to be normalized.”
Regarding her views on Pride Month, she has a conflicted perspective. She explains that specifically in the time of Pride Month, people and companies show their support towards LGBTQ+ people when in reality they are not accepting at all.
“If people want to raise awareness about LGBTQ+ then it is better to do it continuously than to do it specifically in a certain month only.”
Questioning everything she knew
Jey (She/Her)
Bisexual, Genderfluid
Indonesia
During her younger years, LGBTQ+ was not something she was aware of, and she was only exposed to it a few times. At that time she did not think about it much, but as she became older she started doubting herself.
At one point Jey moved to a more progressive area in the west, and that is when she was exposed to information about LGBTQ+ for the first time. Suddenly she was starting to question everything she knew. She eventually accepted her sexuality but she never really opened up to a lot of people, including her family.
“It felt weird to find out that kind of stuff about myself when I turned 18.”
She was not sure if that was a normal age to find out if she was straight or not. She thought she was, but it took her so long to figure that out due to the environment she lived in. Today Jey is surrounded by people who are more accepting, but she says there is always that internalized homophobia in her head because of the influence she had when she was a kid, living in a religious household.
Never fully accepted
She has heard her family members saying they are fine if someone else is a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but because she is their daughter she is not going to be fully accepted due to her family's religion. It would look bad in front of their peers, as they would think it is not in line with their beliefs.
For now, Jey is more comfortable with coming out to a few people with whom she is close too, but she doesn't think she can handle being out to almost everyone she knows.
“Maybe one day I can finally casually slip the topic of my sexuality into the conversation and say I am part of the LGBTQ+ community.”
Coming out of the comfort zone
Comparing how she expressed herself back in her home country and how she expresses herself in Japan, she says there’s a clear difference as she is far away from her family and the people in her home country who are a bit more judgmental.
“Here in Japan, I can meet so many people from everywhere, and I feel like even the Japanese are free to express themselves physically with clothing.”
She adds that Japanese people can be very expressive which helped her with her outer appearance. Back in her country, she could not dress the way she wanted as the people she lived with would judge her for it. She is not that comfortable with her identity being known in Japan just yet, but the fact that she can at least express herself the way she wants is a relief for her.
Jey's gender expression has changed since she moved to Japan, as she has more freedom to choose what she wears and how she looks without having to worry about people judging her. In terms of her sexuality, she tells us that it is easier to bring up in discussions rather than a direct confrontation as some people here can still be from conservative environments, with conservative views.
For the people that she meets who are open-minded and accepting, she can start a conversation and along the way, they both might discover that they are part of the community. She says that it’s comforting to see people who are openly out. In her opinion, it might be because of the diversity of university students and people from Beppu. After all, a lot of them are already progressive and are more accepting of the discussions about the LGBTQ+ community, which gives her a sense of relief.
Hurtful comments on social media
Though Jey feels freer while living in Japan, back home she has seen many people on social media saying things like, “Hey! you can be straight again” or“My uncle was gay but after that, he tried so hard, and now he is straight”. She expresses her view on this saying it shows how they are ignorant about different sexualities, and that sexuality is not something you can change.
As a bisexual herself, Jey has read hurtful comments and misconceptions on social media about bisexuals like “If you are bisexual, you are more likely to cheat”. She opposes this kind of statement saying that it is not true, because your sexuality does not dictate if you cheat or not.
She has never officially participated in Pride Month, but she says that seeing people marching and sharing their stories about them being a part of the LGBTQ+ community for a whole month is very comforting.
“It's good to know that there is a community out there that accepts who I am because when I grew up I didn't have that.”
First steps to acceptance
Whether you’re questioning, out to the world, out to a few people, or still in the closet, pride month is the month to celebrate queer culture, and for everybody to spread acceptance. Pride month holds different values for each person, and it is the month when people of the LGBTQ+ community can celebrate their sexuality and raise awareness.
It is not only limited to the people from the LGBTQ+ community, anyone can celebrate pride month. Understanding each other is an ongoing process, but educating yourself, and brushing up on the history of Pride Month, are solid first steps.
Deepest appreciation to all three APU students for allowing us to interview them and for being a part of this article.
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